Malda · Laire

I haven't written in a very long time. Perhaps I feel like I haven't needed to, but more likely it's that I haven't really felt like what's going on in my life was meant for the public eye. Or, perhaps more accurately, I didn't know how to make it appropriate for the public eye. As it is, I am much, much more relaxed, much less emotional than I was for a good deal of the summer, and since things have now become rather final and settled, I'm all right to play catch up.

I suppose the first thing that must be talked about is the fact that Dan and I broke up. There isn't much I'm going to say about this because, despite the fact that I have no problem talking about it, the reasons are close to me (that goes without saying), and while I have no problem telling people about it, I'd prefer it not be broadcast on the internet. Suffice to say, we'd been having problems for quite some time. I thought going and visiting him this summer would patch things up, and we'd work things through, but they really didn't, and we broke up the first day of school.

It would be expected that the ending of a relationship that I put sooo much time and effot into would leave me incapacitated for a while. On the contrary; I haven't felt so calm and relaxed in a great long while. Partly that's simply because, in the months leading up to us actually breaking up, I was laboring under a great deal of pressure and guilt, which left me constantly stressed out, sleepless, and unhappy. My relationship with Dan became a symbol of that, and so, in part, when we broke up, I felt relief that those feelings had been lifted.

Just because we broke up doesn't mean that Dan isn't a wonderful man. I still consider him to be one of my best friends, and, even though our break up was not a particularly happy time, we continue to be on very good terms, and hopefully our friendship will continue to grow and last for many years to come.

Another reason why our break up was not so terrible for me was because I've begun dating someone else, a guy here at Tech named Kaz. We've been having an absolutely amazing time. He's so much fun to be with, and...well, I could say a thousand-million good things about him, but I'm sure that will come in the future.

For the first time in my college career, or really, for the past three and a half years, I haven't felt obligated to be near the computer or phone in case Dan is available, and, consequently, for the first time I've been able to develop a very active social life. A lot of my time is spent hanging with Kaz, but I've definitely being hanging out with Bry, and Gabbert and Goings and Grey and that gang and I all have plans to hang out soon. In addition, through Kaz I've made a lot of friends with the people he works with in the Corps, and some of the most fun times I have are goofing off with them. It's just been a really amazing start to the year.

Classes--after all, this IS college--have been going very well. I'm taking 18 credits, 12 of which are psyc classes, and then a history class and second year Russian. They won't be easy, but I don't think I'll feel bogged down, either, especially since, for the most part, my afternoons are completely free.

There's so much that's going on this year, I really can't tell everything. But everything's really great; I haven't felt this happy in a very long time, this excited about everything that's going on. And I'll try to write more often. Love everyone!!!


P.S. If you read this, you have to comment and tell me how you're doing.

You know, it seems very strange to me that I really am "moving on," as best I can, anyway. Life HAS "gotten back to normal." And it's not even yet been a month...Anyway, I still look forward to getting home, being with my family.

Is it stupid that it bothers me so much that none of my friends ever gave me a hug in the past week? Or is it just silly? I mean, everyone has been talking about how amazing it is that Tech and the community has pulled together like it has. But I don't feel that at all. I mean, I see it happening all around me, but I'm not a part of that myself, and it really hurts! I mean, I seriously am probably the only person on campus who has not gotten a single hug. From anyone. I mean, am I just THAT pathetic or disgusting or SOMETHING that peope can't even stand to give me a hug, that my "FRIENDS" here cannot even lend me a little support?

I mean, I see pictures of them hugging other people, so I'm kind of to the point where I really have to wonder what's wrong with me that no one wants to comfort me or support me or even TOUCH me. And I KNOW it's not for lack of me looking for it.

I mean, of course, it's a big enough slap in the face that no one ELSE has to go looking for it, that for everyone else, people just OFFER them hugs and love and support. But it's ANOTHER slap that even when I DO go looking for it, I STILL don't get it. People don't even know what it has been like being here all week, alone, with no emotional support. And now school has started again.

I thought it would be easier, once I had distractions again. But it's not. Not at all. Now I'm just forcd to go on campus. Now I CAN'T avoid reminders of Leslie. Of what happened. Talk of what happened.

There are counselers being provided by the school, and several times I've thought about going, but I haven't. Why not? I think it's because I feel like it's admitting something embarrassing: that I can't do this on my own, that even God seems to be sending me more trials than comforts, that I'm a pathetic girl whose friends here don't love her enough to give her a shoulder to lean and cry on.

All my life I have taken pride in being strong, in being able to take care of myself AND others. There have been very few times when I have actively SOUGHT help and support from the people around me. And, without fail, every time I have, all those peopel I helped have turned their backs on me. And this time is not any different. I have been the best friend I know how to be to these people, and now, when something absolutely terrible has happened, and I am all alone, no one can even be bothered to stop by.

What is WRONG with me that that is how people treat me?

I was gone for most of the day. After Russian I went and gave platelets. Gray went with me. It didn't really affect me at first, but after a while I just got SO tired, I can't even explain it. And now, 6 hours after I gave, I can't even walk from the living room to my room without feeling completely drained. Maybe I'll actually get some good sleep tonight. Ha, right.

I just wish I could see someone, you know? Gabbert, Goings...anyone. Plus, I STILL haven't gotten any hugs. I feel pathetic. I'm probably the only person on this ENTIRE campus who had to go through this entire week entirely alone (save for God, of course).

You know, it's so easy to feel sorry for yourself. Myself. But looking back on the past week, thinking that a week ago 32 people were dead...The enormity of it all is nearly incomprehensible. And WOULD be incomprehensible, if I weren't here. Which is why I've so desperately needed someone HERE to support me, because only if you're here can you really understand.

As time passes, I expect it will become more and more incomprehensible, so that one day someone will ask me if I was here on the day of the shooting, and I shall say yes, and not quite believe it.

Is that healing? I don't know. It doesn't seem right that healing should be synomynous with forgetting. But then, I think it's possible that I never truly believed I was here. Sue, there were moments. But it ALWAYS felt surreal. I don't know if it's possible for a normal human to even comprehend the ACT of a single person killing 32 and wounding dozens more in the space of a few minutes, nevermind comprehend oneself being in the same place as such destruction and evil.

It makes one wonder about one's place in the world. Why is it that I, that WE, were here? Surely it was God's doing, but what was His purpose? To bring people together? I understand that God did not do this HIMSELF, but He allowed it to happen, and surely that means something. If God's purpose in allowing this to happen was only to bring people together, could He not have found a way other than that which left 32 innocent people dead?

I believe that God is merciful, and there is no such thing as "righteous anger" in my mind. I do not believe that God gets angry, only that it appears so to Man, because Man must have someone to blame for floods and storms and earthquakes. But sometimes when I think about what happened here, it is hard to stay solid in that foundation. It just seems as though perhaps 32 people's lives GONE, and thousands more destroyed is not worth the community pulling together. Of course, we cannot pretend to fully understand or even imagine the entirety of God's plans, but it is part of the human condition that we attempt to.

I went to the ceremony this morning. It was nice. I've stopped wearing make up because every day I end up crying. Every day something reminds me of Leslie, and I break down.

It's hard to see where God is in all of this. Even harder when He doesn't let me have someone to go to for support, and when He tries me with things like Dan's decision to go to the desert, and my awful back pain. My God, my God, why have you foresaken me?

Healing. I don't think I even understand the true meaning of the word. How will I be able to differentiate between healing, and suppressing? I think right now I'm suppressing. I know I will have to look to God for the strength to heal, and I have been. But at the same time, I need the physical presence of someone who cares about me to help comfort me...I would think God would send someone to me. But that has not been true. I've had to deal with it all alone.

I feel most completely abandoned by Bryan, I think. He could go to Caroline, whom he has known half the time that he has known me, but he could not even call to see if I was all right. And when I messaged him the other day, and he called back to tell me where he was, he could not even ask if I was okay.

I know...Well, actually, I don't know. I have nothing more to say to that. I guess it's inconsequential and insignificant that I should feel hurt by his lack of concern, and I shall continue to spend my time in my room, working as I have. Letting the tears come and go. I guess it's time I just started pushing things down, because nothing's going to change.

I just want to go home.

First of, before I begin what is going to end up being a rant, most likely, I want to say that this is not directed at all those from other parts of the country and the world who have sent me their prayers and thoughts. This (whatever "this" is) only applies to people here, in Blacksburg and at Tech, who know me, because, as I'm sure everyone can understand, people here understand--or SHOULD understand--how I feel, and people who are/were not here cannot completely comprehend that.

The fact is, tomorrow marks one week since the shooting, and although I have gone to vigils and memorial services and church services and community picnics, I have not recieved one hug. In times like these, people don't just need words, they need the support that only physical contact provides. They need to not only know, but FEEL that people are there for them, that people care for them. And I haven't recieved that. I knew someone who died, and I had to spend this past week alone in my empty apartment, finding out that all of my friends had left to go home, and my mother neither thought it necessary to bring me home, nor wanted to pay for a ticket.

And now, facing the beginning of school once again, I can't even think that I want to see people any more. I just want to go to class, do what I have to do, and come back to the apartment. Why bother with the people here, when they didn't bother with me? If there's one thing this week has taught me, it's that even when really, really terrible things happen, I can count on my life continuing just as it did before: the people who come to me to cry won't give a rat's ass when I need to come to cry to them. I've learned that I can handle things just fine on my own, and if crying into a pillow night after night isn't nearly as fulfilling or comforting as crying with someone's arms around you, it at least tires you out enough so you go quickly to sleep.

I don't even care any more. Let people go comfort each other. I'm just going to finish things up here, and then get the fuck out of here. I wish I could say and then I'll never come back, but that's not true. I'll come back, because even if the people here suck and are friends only when it's convenient for them, the school's still amazing, and I'm not going to abandon it just because of this one episode.

I've just realized that I can't count on my friends here to make sure that I'm okay, or to provide comfort and support. So tomorrow I'm just going to go to breakfast, go to class, go give blood (hopefully), and come back here and clean. And that will be my day. I don't even care any more. I don't MIND being locked up in my room all day. Sounds fine to me.

I don't want to talk to him. He called twice while I was at riding, and I have no desire to return his calls. And that has nothing to do with the fact that I know he's flying. I really actually don't want to talk to anyone. the people who are supposed to have cared the most about me have abandoned me, then I think I just want to keep it that way.

I feel like Dan is getting everything he wants, especially if I DO come out at the very end. Which I am now not at all certain I will. Maybe I WILL get a job. I'd like to be able to say, when he asks me to come, "You didn't let seeing me deter you from doing your job, so why shoudl I do any different?"

I DON'T want to come. He has hurt me just as deeply as the loss of my fellow Hokies has. I think, if this had not happened, and he had gone, then I would have been able to forgive him. But now I am not so sure.

Why am I engaged to him? To a man who is willing to put his desire to be a hero above me? Is that what I want? Is that what I deserve? How is that love?

How can he think that any amount of words over the phone is going to make any difference now? I don't want to HEAR that he's "hugging" me, or "holding" me.

If something is more important to im than his future wife, FINE, but don't let him turn around and tell me how much he loves me and wants to see me, when HE'S the one who destroyed the possibility of us getting to see each other in the first place. If there's something I can't stand, it's hypocrisy.

So FINE, let him foresake me for some godless place, just so he can be closer to his "brothers" who are dying, but don't let him come crying to me about how much he misses me.

--How can he put his "dying brothers" above me? My brothers and sisters have died, and are suffering HERE, right beside me and all around me. But if Dan called, said he needed me with him, I would be there in an instant. Because even though this present is horrible and present, HE is my FUTURE, and I feel a greater obligation to that--and to him--than to anyone/thing else.

And I suppose someone would say, well, that's kind of hypocritical, because is he not calling for me, just later in the summer?

Maybe. Be he has SPURNED me. He has judged me to be not as worthy as those "brothers" who are dying, who he will never meet.

So LET him go off to the fucking desert. I will not be there when he returns. Let him be the hero. I have, many times, dropped everything to go to him. When he is ready to do the same, THEN I will listen to how much he misses me, and how much he wants me to be with him. They say actions speak louder than words, and this is definitely one of those times: he SAYS he wants to be with me, to hold me, to kiss me, to make love to me. FUCK that shit! He has BLOWN our chances of getting to do that. So he can kiss my ass.

So, no. I have no desireto speak to anyone, least of all him. Let me deal with my grief--both of losing MY brothers and sisters, and of being rejected by him in my moment of most need--by myself. If people who are HERE, who should be my closest friends, are not gong to seek me out, then why should I want to be with them?

Let people try not to dissuade me: I am ALONE. When my own family does not want me home during this time, when my friends will not come to me and hold me, when my fiance CHOSES to go to some war zone instead of seeing me, I am ALONE.

And there is nothing empty about it. Instead, I am completely full. Filled with the emotions that I cannot release. These words are but a glimpse of what I am feeling. Only a glimpse.

The bastard did it. He put his name in for the deployment for the desert. I thought he would have realized that now, after 32 of my fellow Hokies are dead, is the time when I need to see him the most, to spend the most time with him. Instead, he runs off to the fucking desert. Instead, all he cares about is being a fucking hero. He's such a fucking hyprocrit. He does this, and then tells me that he only wants to make me happy, that he just wants to be there for me. Bullshit, if he wanted to make me want, to help me heal, he would not have put his name in. He would have realized that what I need, above all else, is him.

I'm so angry. And so devestated. And I feel so, so, so alone. All I want is a fucking hug, and no one here will give me one. The people who I thought I could call my friends haven't even asked to see if I'm holding up all right, and the people who I've hung out with once a week for the past month, who feel too uncomfortable around me still to hug me, and around whom I feel too uncomfortable to cry, are the only ones who've asked after me. God, what friends I have. I'm all alone in the apartment; everyone else has gone home. A lot of people have gone home. Most of those people I've been hanging out with are going home today. I wish so badly I could go home, but that's not possible. Instead I get to sit here, and go over and over in my head how many people have died, and who I know, and who I don't know, watching as more and more names are announced and discovered. And going over and over in my head that the man I need most either doesn't realize how much I need him (which I find somewhat unlikely), or just doesn't deem me worthy enough.

So, whatever. Let him fucking get everything he wants and needs. And I'll make the sacrifices. I'll sit here and...listen to him give me hugs over the phone, from 10,000 miles away. Right. Fuck that shit.

Lately I've been crying myself to sleep a lot. I've felt so deprived of love that I have to have dreams about waking up in the hospital and being surrounded by my friends to remember that they love me. Only sometimes, in my dream, I wake up and there's no one there.

Lately I've been needing lots of hugs, and not recieving any, except from the maroon bear.

Lately I've been wanting to destroy something beautiful. To slam my fists into someone's face over and over again until it's all gone, only blood and fleshly pulp and pieces of bone and brain matter. Until all my feelings of hurt and betrayal and neglect have been pounded away. Even though, lately, I know that wouldn't make it go away at all.

And lately, I've been feeling very self destructive. I can't sleep when I go to bed at night, and I lie there thinking about all the different ways there are to hurt oneself. The physical and the psychological.

Lately, it's been one of those break down things. Where you can't reach the people--or person--you need, and everyone around you is too wrapped up in their own problems to help you with your own, so you just keep your mouth shut about your own problems and listen to theirs. Because whenever you start to talk about yours, they either turn their heads and begin to distract themselves, or they somehow almost immediately find some way to find similarities between your problems and their problems, and they manage to turn the conversation back to their problems.

Lately, it's been the story of my life, over, and over and over again.

These are real notes written by parents in an Alabama school district. How they appear is exactly how they were written. HILARIOUS

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today bec ause she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monay. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent y e sterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

LOL. Dude, these people are WHACK!!!

...and other things that have been really getting to me lately.



1. Recently, every time I've taken the bus, a huge fat guy has sat down next to me. I don't know why. And I HATE being squished between a window and a fat man. Usually, I sit by the window and put my backpack in the other seat so NO ONE can sit there. But recently I've been letting people sit down because I know how much it sucks to have to stand up. I think I'll go back to taking up both seats.

2.People who say "I's", as in: "The teacher called Tom and I's name..." Because seriously people...Who can even PRETEND that that's correct grammar? I mean...it's really the most rediculous thing I've ever heard. And where did I hear this (most recently)? Out of the mouth of a girl who's a candidate to be Miss America (I forget which state). I hope she really doesn't win, because...I don't want a represenative of this country saying I's. Though, come to think of it, Bush probably says I's too.

3. People who jump to conclusions, ala my roommate, who decided last night that I STOLE her jeans, simply because they were in the laundry with my laundry. Nevermind that in a household with four people, laundry is GOING to end up getting mixed together.

4. The fact that I can't get a job, and that I'm only twenty, still in college, and already worrying about money.



Stay tuned for more...

In one sense, winter break has gone by WAY too fast. I don't want to go back a week early, but that's life. On the other hand, I'm ready to get back, start school so I can graduate. Even though Dan said he doesn't want me to try to graduate early, I kind of do now. Things like graduating with the rest of my class just don't seem to matter so much any more.

That's how it is with a lot of things, actually. All the stupid drama of last semester, and the semesters before, and everything else...that just seems so...unnecessary now, pointless. It's all so petty, in the face of this wonderful and immense commitment. And yet, it's funny, because in another sense, it doesn't feel immense. It just feels natural. That's how it's supposed to be. It's too natural to feel immense (though no less wonderful, I assure you).

But I digress; I was going to talk about break and Arizona and stuff. First of all, mom and I went to Christmas Eve service at the church of one of her students, a black holy roller sort of church. At first it was fun, because the music was awesome, and it's a different experience to just praise the Lord, instead of hearing a sermon, like we do in our churches. But it went on for TWO AND A HALF HOURS!!! It started to get really redundant, and the little sermon that they did have wasn't even the Christmas story...so by the end I was a little tired of it all. It wasn't a waste...It just lasted for too long.

Christmas was nice, of course. It actually rained for the three days leading up to Christmas, and then POURED pretty much all through Christmas day, but that was okay, because we just hung out inside. In the evening, we went over to a friend's house for dessert. They had a bit of a get-together, so there were people to talk to. I left early because I had to get up the next morning at 0400 to make my flight to Phoenix.

Phoenix was...AWESOME. I got to meet Dan's sisters, their husbands, and their children. As I guess, Bob Clendenin was kind of my un-spoken favorite; I'm definitely a groupie now (Bob is an actor whose credit include 10 Items or Less, the TBS sitcom; Scrubs; Ugly Betty; Dude! Where's My Car?; CSI, Desperate Housewives; ER; Star Trek: Voyager; That 70's Show...and about a million other things. Look him up under Robert Clendenin...It's pretty awesome). The kids were really awesome, too.

I brought everyone Christmas presents, which was kind of my ticket in. lol. We met with Rev. Cowley, the minister down there, and it was during our breakfast meeting, apparently, that Dan decided to propose this trip. Then on that same day we went to meet Devon and Rachel...It was rather awkward...I just didn't know what to say. I could go on and on about that, but I won't.

Then on Saturday Dan and I went to the Grand Canyon, which was AWESOME!!! There was actually a TON of snow...And not just up at the Grand Canyon, but in the desert! I have these awesome pictures of snow drifts in the desert, and frost on cacti and stuff. Dan blindfolded me before I saw the canyon, and then walked me up there and took off the blindfold...Oh my gosh...It was sooo awesome. I have a ton of pictures from that trip, and one day they'll make their way to facebook.

Sunday, church, which was really awesome. Rachel got confirmed, and there was a sort of celebratory Open House at her family's place afterwards. Which was awkward for me...and then made even more awkward by a toast Rev. Cowley gave, not just to her, but to her and Devon. I could seriously have not seen them again for the rest of the trip, and been quite happy.

But instead, Dan made plans to go hiking with them that night. So we went home for a while, and then came back and climbed a mountain in the pitch dark. Which was hard, but kind of fun. And although it started out awkward, on the way down, Devon started a conversation with me, and we kind of talked about me being mad at him, and him keeping in touch. After that, things were a lot better. We went back to their place, hung out, danced, and then got in the hot tub. Dan and I jumped into their pool, which was 36 degrees, and then scrambled out, and got back into the hot tub, and that's where we were for the New Year.

Then the very next morning, we got up, and climbed ANOTHER mountain, Camelback, which is in Dan's backyard, basically. It was rediculously hard, and hot, and honestly not very fun. But then we got to the top, and after a little while, Dan proposed, and that made everything better...and the trip down was a LOT more fun.

For the last two days of my trip we just hung out, caught up with some classmates of Dan's. We bought an 18000+ piece puzzle as an engagement gift to each other, and eventually...probably not until we're married, we're going to do it together.

So that's pretty much Phoenix and the break in general. I'm going back to school early on the 8th. Not my choice, but oh well. Maybe it'll be exciting after all. And anyway, like I said before, now that I'm engaged...everything just seems less important, and is easier to take.

First of all, before I start this...whoever the fuck reads this, take it with a grain of salt, because I'm pissed, and probably really depressed, too. Over all, very upset and not in a right state of mind. For those of you who read this who actually know me, you know how I am really, and you know this isn't me. And for those of you who read this just because, or because you're spying on me, and you don't actually know shit about me...fuck you.

Fuck Bryan, first of all. Fuck Bryan. Bryan is a selfish, arrogant son of a bitch who doesn't give a damn about anybody but himself. We had this whole...thing just a little while ago, about...lots of things, really. we ended up talking about how he always acts like he hates me, and he kept saying he didn't, but that;s not really the point, it's that he acts like that. and somehow it led to him saying i'm the one who hates him, because he always makes me angry or depressed or something, and he always wonders why he's friends with me, and other people ask him why he's friends with me, because they just think i'm a bitch, and that seriously, seriously upset me, and that led to a larger conversation about how the way he acts around me isn't really him, and that i just make him that way, and i argued that it wasn't me who made him act that way at all, it was all him, and he talked about how andee hates me because of the way i make him act, except that it isn't my fault at all, and that led to a whole side conversation of me saying how stupid she is to not be able to get over something (me liking him for like a week) that he and i have both been over since basically it happened, and he just kept sayign that he doesn't want to be friends with me because of the way he is around me, and that he doesn't like how he makes me cry and angry all the time, and i argued that he just always focusses on the bad stuff...which he agreed with...and in the end he just ended up saying a lot of hurtful things and then just walking away...and after a while i headed home...and when we were back on upper quad i guess he saw me and stopped and said that really it wasn't even about me, or andee, or anyone else...it's simply that he just doesn't like how he acts around me, and he wants to be able to change that, but he doesn't know how, so he's trying to distance himself.

Dan says it best: "Bryan has issues. Is it not obvious that Bryan has some very deep issue that probably has nothing to do with you or anything, but it manifests with any deep emotions he experiences. So around you and Andee it coes out, and he might not even know what it's about. He's totally ignoring the disease, and trying to treat the symptom. That's why he thinks that not hanging around with you will make it magically okay."

Bryan isn't half as mature as he thinks he is, because if he was, he wouldn't just go around blaming his bad behavior on me. And you know what? If I'm often angry or whatever around him, that's because he won't LET me be nice to him. I brought THAT up during our little discussion and he agreed. He says it makes him uncomfortable when I'm nice to him. So he can't fucking blame me for not being nice to him, because he's trained me to NOT be nice to him by being mean or sarcastic to me whenever I'm nice to him. So he can't very well fucking guilt-trip me on that, can he?

And yeah, there are plenty of times when he's a bastard to me, says things like I look horrible, or there's some part of me that looks horrible. On my fucking BIRTHDAY he couldn't even say Happy Birthday, nevermind say something nice to me.

He says he wants a normal relationship, a normal friendship, but I have NEVER seen any evidence of that. I want a normal relationship, and I've tried to make it happen, by trying my damndest to be nice to him, by eating with him (something he says is a characteristic of a normal friendship), by giving him a birthday present. He obviously has a really fucked up idea of what a normal friendship is, though, if he has ACTUALLY been trying to have a normal friendship.

He says I'm the one who has prevented us from having a normal friendship!!! Let's see what he does...He constantly puts me down, by calling me "whore," by saying how everything I do--whether it's my writing, my art, the sorority--is stupid and retarded and he hates it, by saying I look bad and don't know how to dress. He's just plain hostile to me: punching me, slamming doors in my face. He turns other people against me: Andee, his roommate. --So what about all this shit is part of a normal friendship? Is part of trying to CREATE a normal friendship?

Anybody got any answers? Anybody? Oh wait...There isn't a right answer, because NONE of this is part of a normal friendship. So, no, I don't buy his bullshit about him trying to make a normal friendship and me preventing it. The bottom line is, he has an issue, and he likes to take it out on me.

The thing is...I think Dan is right. I need to continue being friends with him (for one reason because it seriously damages me when I just try to drop and forget really good friends, and for another reason because this isn't even about our friendship, according to Bryan), but I can't just let him emotionally abuse me the way he does.

That's what really gets Dan, the fact that Bryan feels no compunction about saying really hurtful things to me (calling me a whore, people, whether it's joking or not, hurts, especially since while *I* know it's not true (you can't be a whore if you're a virgin, in which case Bryan is more of a whore than I am), the people who he says it around, random people in the dorms who don't know me, don't know it's not true). Not to mention that Bryan has no problem hurting me in other ways, like saying I look bad, and never saying anything nice to me in general. Countless times Dan has said how much he really wants to talk to Bryan about it, except he's afraid (and probably right, too), that if he ever said how much it pisses him off that Bryan says and does those things to me, that Bryan would then take it out on me, and I'd get abused even worse. He's also talked about how he would like to mention it to one of the commandants, Cpt. Scheider, maybe, or to some of the Navy staff people, maybe not only about how Bryan isn't exactly representing the Corps and the Navy in a good light, but also about his drinking. I've managed to convince him I would prefer that he didn't, because while Dan might dislike Bryan that much, I don't want to ruin the guy's career.

Maybe Dan's right. Maybe it would just be better for me not to be around him any more. I mean, I love how Bryan has always said that I need to be more confident, but he--more than anyone else EVER--has destructed my self-confidence and made me feel like shit. It's a wonder I even manage to rally myself to fight back any more. --And let me remind you, dear readers, that it is NOT my fault that he acts like that, by his own admission. It's just something that comes out when he's around me. Fine. He also has sex dreams about me when we've been hanging out. I don't feel guilty about those, and I don't feel guilty about him being a bitch around me. Because it isn't my fault.

Just as a side note before this closes, as regards the other person mentioned briefly in this post, Andee, I couldn't care less what the hell she thinks about me. I used to think that Bryan was hostile towards me because of what she thinks of me, but today he admitted it wasn't about that at all. For the record, if that shit is still bothering her, then she's stupid, and she obviously has trust issues, not with me (I don't give a damn if she has trust-issues with me), but with Bryan. Because ultimately, it all comes down to him. If she's nervous abotu me, it's because she thinks I have a chance with him. And if she thinks I have a chance with him, then that means she doesn't trust him.

Now, I'm not going to say any of this is fact. It's all conjecture, although from what Bryan says about her, it's probably true. I honestly don't care about her enough to waste energy psycho-analyzing her. And I don't say that to be mean; it's just the truth. I very much doubt she gives a damn about me, so why the hell should I give a damn about her?

Anyway, that's it. I'm talking to Dan, and for obvious reasons that is a much better and more pleasant pasttime than thinking about either of those two. They're both so fucked up anyway, it gives me a headache just trying to feel sorry for them. So, guess what? I don't. We all have our shit we have to deal with.

So Dan told me last night that he doesn't feel love for me constantly. Instead, it's more like he schedules it. Like, that's why he can do the big things for me, because he can schedule those things, set aside a day when he's going to do something for me. But he can't do the small things because he doesn't constantly FEEL his love for me. He says that he knows he loves me all the time, but he doesn't really feel it, or something.

When he told me this, I didn't even know how to react. I felt very calm, cold, really. Empty. How did I end up with someone like this? Who can't do the little things for me because he doesn't CONSTANTLY feel his love for me? I mean, that's never what I wanted. I wanted someone who was passionate about me, who could love me the same way I loved him. Who would devote himself to me, constantly, even if it's not the thing that's at the forefront of his mind. I mean, that's how I feel about Dan. He is ALWAYS there in my mind, I can ALWAYS feel him, and feel my love for him.

So when Dan said that's not the way he feels about me...I didn't know how to react. No wonder I do most of the work in our relationship; I've got a ton more invested in it. --It makes me nervous to think...well, how can he really know that I'm the woman he's supposed to marry when he doesn't even constantly love me? You're supposed to be passionate, obsessive about the one you love...And while I don't doubt that he loves me, I don't think he can really be passionate about me if he doesn't even love me all the time. --Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. He SAYS he can't live without me, but last night's conversation made me think that he's living without me a great deal of the time, and he's doing fine.

Since the day I met him, all I ever wanted was Dan. When I dated Brian, it was simply me settling for someone else because I couldn't have Dan at the time. And then I finally got him, and I've had him for almost three years. And I find myself wondering if perhaps I've settled (or begun to settle) for him, too. Because I don't think I can get what I really want--someone who is passionate and "obsessive" about me. What if that's true? --I don't even know how I feel about that. Since I met Dan, I've thought that I couldn't live without him, and I still FEEL that way. But now I find myself thinking...even if I do feel that way, is there perhaps someone better for me out there?

It doesn't help to not know, to not have any idea about, what I deserve, as far as a significant other goes. Perhaps I'm simply expecting/wanting too much.

You know, it's really starting to piss me off that Bryan can't say ANYTHING nice about me. I mean, we were just out with Finnell getting something to eat, and he seriously had to badger me about every-fucking-thing. I was wearing the baggy jeans that look bad on me. I was wearing a Chi-O sweatshirt. I wasn't being social (which just MIGHT have had something to do with inordinate amount of drugs in my system right now). I was a whore. I was a bitch. I was a homeless prostitute. I mean...are you KIDDING me?!?! I don't mind sarcasm, the ocassional insult in play, but when that's ALL I get for two hours STRAIGHT (not to mention the fact that that's all I get from him any other time). I don't give a DAMN if he has a "complex;" if you really WANT to be a good friend, if you actually care, you get over those things, because you want to be a good friend.

--So maybe he just doesn't care. I don't know. What I DO know is that I'm tired of being held accountable for something that a) really wasn't my fault to begin with and b) happened nearly a YEAR ago! That's just BULLSHIT!! It's past. It's not valid.

And I hate how, after dealing with his shit for hours, when I finally get ticked off, he can't believe it! He's SHOCKED that suddenly my mood would change so drastically, shocked that I would actually be HURT by what he has to say. --Oh, what a big fucking surprise that I can only take it for so long!

Anyway, I think the reason why I can't put myself out there in social situations is because I've a) had too many experiences when I've added something in a conversation and people have just looked at me like I'm a freak, then ignored what I said and gone back to talking to each other, b) had too many experiences when I've been with a group of people and they won't let me say something, no matter how much I do to get their attention and assert myself and c) had just too many experiences with people judging me in a bad light and treating me badly and excluding me.

I know that a confident woman is sexy, but you know what, when people have--and are constantly STILL--broken down your confidence, just taken it away, it's really, really fucking hard to be confident again. I mean...It's like trust. And in a way, that's what confidence is. It's the trust in yourself that you will make other people want to be around you. And when trust is lost or betrayed or whatever, it's a really hard thing to build up again. And since I've had uncountable experiences with people ignoring me, excluding me, teasing me (basically the fucking story of my life), it's really hard to build that confidence up. It's exactly like trust.

I mean, okay, if you betray someone's trust, and you want to get it back...You do things to show them that you're trustworthy, and that you're not going to do it again. Well, I'm trying to build up my confidence, but...well, for lack of a better way of putting it, no one's showing me that I'm confidence-worthy. I try to talk to people, and I get shut down. I try to insert myself in conversations, and I get pushed out of them. I try to look pretty, to dress nicely, and no one says anything (though they have no problem with saying when I look like "shit" (according to them, anyway)).

And I think that's why I keep trying to quit this attempt to gain more confidence. Because I'm only getting negative feedback, both from the people I know, and my "experiments," the strangers I talk to and try to engage. And I keep feeling like I want to give up because, well, fuck, if nobody else cares, then why the fuck should I give a damn?

So, just for the record, last night, No. 10 Clemson was SERIOUSLY beat by the UNRANKED Hokies. I will be drinking the Hokies success this weekend (even though I was just given a muscle relaxant I'm not supposed ot be drinking with). Ore...I want to lose my virginity to you, let me know when you're free.

Just to recap....

Take THAT Clemson!!!

The pain is...unbelievably sharp, fingers of needle-pain reaching around from your back along your sides around to your abdomen, reaching down like scratching nails toward your privates. It's the path of a lover's touch, but the feeling of a killer's. It shoots up the muscles of your back, hugging your spine.

Your attempts to fix the problem, stretching and sitting up straight, argue with logic as it all makes the pain worse, sharp enough that your throat closest almost like you are going to throw up. You would cry, scream your agony, if only yo ucould breathe past the pain.

Stillness is the only thing that keeps the pain at bay, the stillness of remaining in one posture, one place. The stillness of not breathing for long stretches of time, keeping alive by taking small, panting breaths every twenty seconds or so. Deep breaths, or breathing regularly is the way to intense pain.

When you make a wrong move, change your posture or breathe as you're supposed to, fingers--CLAWS--of pain take a hold of your sides, digging into your flesh with surprising strength, ferocity. You spend those flashing moments--and the long hours of agonizing pain--picturing the physical therapist manipulating her model of a spine, showing you how the cartiledge is not longer providing a cushion between your discs, and they are grinding together, the muscles working extra hard to move your spine in the ways it naturally should. The hard work and the bones grinding the tender nerves of your spinal column create the nearly exotic pain that rips through your body.

In attempts to control the pain and be able to live your life as normal people do, you load yourself with painkillers. Doses of three or four ibuprofen in one sitting, four to six times a day. Vicodin from your kidney probems used sparingly as you can't get any more. You live in a constant state of being drugged, always on the edge of being stoned. Your blood must be as thin as water.

At night, you wake in agony, reach to the nightstand, scrambling for the bottle of ibuprofen, down five and a vicodin. You lay completely still in the dark, waiting for the pain to dull but afraid to fall asleep lest your body decide to stop dealing with the overdoses and die. They would say you ODed on purpose, that you were depressed and just gave up. They wouldn't understand the gnawing, nagging pain that sometimes made you think about how good a bullet would feel, cutting through those knotted muscles. Or how it would be nice if some slasher-movie character, like Jason, would shove his hand straight into your back and yank out those muscles in one red, bloody mass. They wouln't know how you longed for that, for the moment of intense pain that would then give way, finally, to relief.

I found out today that someone fucked with my bike. I was coming back from Mill Mountain where I had spent several hours working on the novel when I noticed two random bike wheels leaning against the wall beneath the stairs. I decided that I should check on my bike because I haven't done that since I stopped riding it. And that's when I realized it was gone. Of course, my heart stopped, and then I began flipping out. My first thought was that someone had stolen it, but that didn't really make any sense because the wheels were still there. Then I figured Bryan had taken it as a prank. I sent him a message, but couldn't get a hold of him.

I didn't know what to do. I figured I should file a police report, but I didn't want to until I made sure Bry hadn't done it.

Eventually, I had to go to riding. Will came to pick me up, and as we pulled out of the parking lot, I noticed a bike frame across the road, standing upright in the dirt. Obviously mine. So when we got back from riding, I went across the street, brought it up to the room along with the wheels. It's in a bad condition. There's dirt in the gears, the chain is incredibly tangled, and the kickstand has been broken off.

I have little doubt that during some party, some drunk guy thought it would be funny to screw with someone else's shit. And they just happened to choose MY shit.

For some reason, it has me really down, depressed. The bike is now sitting upside-down in my room, the wheels leanng against it. Looking at it makes me feel suddenly like I'm the big nerd back in highschool. The one everybody teased and gave swirlies to and broke their shit just to get a cheap laugh. I feel...used. Broken. Perhaps a bit like I have for the past while, when considering the pathetic path my social life has taken. Used. The friend when there's nothing better to do, forgotten as soon as there is. The punching bag. The one nobody bothers to make feel good, because that takes too much effort.

Both Dan and Bryan say all I need to do to get guys to notice me, and to be more successful socially in general, is to be more confident. Dan said last night that if I belive I am accepted, then people will start to treat me that way. But why should I feel accepted? --It's not that I don't think he's right. I think they are both very right. But just knowing they're right doesn't make me suddenly able to act on that. I mean, I've known for a long time that I just have a confidence problem, and that if I fix that, then I fix a lot of other things.

It's not even that I don't think I'm pretty. --I tried to explain this to Dan last night. I KNOW I'm fairly pretty, at least not ugly, and at least as far as my face is concerned. I have a lot of girls tell me that. Dan, too. But I DON'T think I'm attractive, desireable. And why should I? Nobody has EVER worked to get me to pay attention to them. GUYS don't care whether I notice them or not. Because I'm not desireable. And that's not going to change, no matter what I wear, or say, or how I wear my hair, or how pretty I believe I am, or how much confidence I have. People--GUYS--do not look at me, do not want me.

I'm never goingto get that date. Hell, I couldn't even get a date to Date Party after having TWO guys say they would go with me. So how could I possibly expect, HOPE, to ever get a REAL date from a "stranger"?

--Yeah, that's not happening. I'll be married in a few years, and no guy will ever have been attracted to me enough to take the initiative. And that INCLUDES Dan.

It occured to me this evening that some day I'm going to have to tell my daughter that her mother was never once asked out on a date. I mean, what am I supposed to say when she comes looking for dating advise, and I have none to give her? "Sorry, your mother was/is a loser, and no one ever asked her out on a date? Can't help you." That's sad.

I mean, on one level, I'm glad that I've found the guy I'm supposed to marry so easily. A lot of people have a really hard time with that. But on the other hand, I'm going to manage to get married without ever getting hit on, without ever being asked out on a date. None of that.

I just wish some guy had actually had the balls to approach me. But I'm kind of to the point where I'm giving up. Because why shouldn't I? I HAVE found the guy I'm going to marry, and no one else is ever going to approach me, no matter how many socials I go to, or what kind of clothes I wear, or how many girls think I'm pretty.

And honestly, it makes me sad. Because I think it's a really big part of adolescence and growing up and everything. It's something that would make me feel young and attractive. --And I think that's a big part of why I feel so out of place in social situations. Because I feel so much older than everyone. Because I'm basically engaged, because--for whatever reason--I'm (or at least act) much more mature.

I don't know...it just came to me. I think that's why I don't see the point in doing anything for Halloween, either. Because all my attempts at having fun seem to fail, so I might as well stay in my room and do homework. I think it must just not be...in my stars, to have those experiences, as valuable as they may seem. So maybe I should just stop hoping and dreaming that someone of the opposite sex is actually going to notice me and be attracted to me enough to say something about it.